Too Emotionally Closed off to Fall in Love

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Too Emotionally Closed off to Fall in Love

Posted by Sabrina on March 23, 2008 at 5:27am in Love & Relationships

Ok so let me ask this to everyone. I'll have to go into my past a little bit but I'll try not to make it too long. I'm 26 years old, I have 2 beautiful kids, and at the moment I'm a stay at home mom. I have been with their father on and off for 11 1/2 years now and I have only ever had 2 other boyfriends in between the time my kids father and I weren't a couple. My first bf, well cheated on me with my cousin and the last one I had in 2006 for three months left me. It was a long distance relationship thing and one night he left my home and I didn't hear from him again for over a year and until Feb of this year I never had an explaination of why he left. He wanted me to move in with him 100 miles from where my entire life is now and I wouldn't b/c I felt like it was too soon for me and my children so he just disappeared. He told me he was falling in love with me but b/c of the age difference(I was 24 and he was 36), my bad past with abusive men, and my inability to trust him enough to move in with him, and me not allowing him to get close to me emotionally he couldn't handle that and he left. I believe if he would have given me some time things would have been different but maybe things weren't meant to be. Anyway on to my point. I cared about all of these guys, would even say I had a great affection for them but I can't describe it as loving them. My friends and family keep telling me I need to date, find a guy, etc and have a life. A friend of mine expressed to me that she is saddened by the fact that I feel about myself the way I do. My mother tells me all the time that I am so emotionally closed off from other people I will never find anyone unless I let down those walls. Everytime I have ever begun to do so I get hurt and shutting men out is a defense mechanism for me. I've been in therapy and talked to people to try to overcome this feeling but low and behold nothing has worked. But I try to explain to everyone, not only do I have myself to take in consideration I have 2 children I do not want to see hurt b/c of a wrong choice I make. Every choice I make affects their lives also. So I get comments like, you eventually have to put yourself first, or you have to take risks once in a while. People say it as if these things are something you can just disregard and you will automatically be better. I've made peace with the past and the fact that my past relationships didn't work out. But it is hard to get out of that pattern of being closed off and distant. Do you guys/gals think that someone can be to emotionally closed off to fall in love?

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Permalink Reply by Jess on March 23, 2008 at 6:33am: Sabrina, first off, I want to send you some hugs. I think you sound like you have had some rough times and God knows it is not easy to get over some of the difficult hurdles that come our way in life. I too have two children and was recently divorced from an abusive man. I also have many walls up and feel like it will be a long time before I can trust again. It sounds to me that you are in a process of healing still and that you will come through this rough time and be stronger than you have ever been before... Rushing to love will not help... at least I know in my circumstances it won't. Rushing to love will only be your attempt to fill a void, which ultimately you need to fill yourself in order to find true love and happiness. I do think you are emotionally closed off, but for good reason. You are thinking of your kids first, which tells me you are a great mom. You will eventually feel well enough spiritually to be able to love again, and the walls will come tumbling down.

I sent you a friends request. If you ever feel like chatting, it sounds like we have a lot in common..

Good luck, sweetie.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Zystyna-Zay on July 3, 2008 at 8:34pm: Yes I totally believe that you can be cause I am the same way....I have been hurt so many times in my realtionships that I have literally given up. Here's the catch.....I had given up on my last ex but by the time I had started to fully close myself off. I was 8 weeks pregnate. I had spent my pregnancy alone and hurt and confused. I brought my son into this world myself and I know I did a dam freaking good job at it. Now that I have him I have come to relize that I dont need a man to fall in love with cause I feel better now. I feel proud of myself for not letting his father clam me up into a shell and closing off love cause I feel I would have closed it off to everyone. Maybe I'm worng or right I dont know but this is how I feel!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Krissy on July 4, 2008 at 9:56am: Sabrina....my heart goes out to you. I pray that you will heal and allow yourself a chance to be loved completely. Jess made some very good points in her reply, and it sounds as though she would be a great support to you.

Please accept what I am about to say as words from 30 years of parenting experience (including mistakes made!). I am not trying to be mean or offensive at all. We all know there is a certain amount of risk associated with whatever we do! Take it from someone who knows how a simple thing like walking down stairs can change your life forever. If we avoided everything because of what might happen we'd never accomplish anything at all! Being careful is essential, but taking chances helps us to learn courage and resiliency...something we begin learning as infants. We learned to walk, ride a bike, then drive a car...we made new friends...started new jobs...moved to new homes. Sometimes things worked out the first time around...sometimes they didn't! Some things we might have been at least partly responsible for screwing up, and others may have failed through no fault of our own.

I think part of good parenting is to teach kids to do their best, but also to accept disappointment and responsibility. This includes analyzing why something didn't work, then trying again if not successful the first time around. Children tend to learn not only from the words we speak, but from the behaviors we exhibit. So ask yourself: Which of your behaviors would you like to pass on to your kids?

Again...hopefully I didn't offend. You'll be OK

Krissy; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Terri on July 21, 2008 at 7:44pm: I do not believe every choice you make affects your children’s lives. Your personal life and you family life are two different things, till you are comfortable enough to bring a man into your children’s lives.
Being closed off is not necessarily a bad thing. As long as you use your time away from people to figure out what you want out of life. NOT just what you want from a man.
Let’s face it; there are good men and bad men. I am sorry you had a few stinkers.
Being 26, you are still young enough to go out and just have fun sometimes.
Why don’t you try to make more friends? I am not saying you don’t have tons of friends already; what I am saying is try new things and meet new people.
You are still young enough to go back to school, if you are not doing that already.
If you’re going to use the kids as an excuse to say you can’t it is a lie. Daycare is not longer bad, in fact there are some really good ones out there that help children get ready for school sooner. They also allow kids to make friends their own ages, and learn how to play well in groups. PLUS low-income people can get free daycare in almost every state for the time you are in school.
You don’t have to listen to your friends or family when they tell you to date. They do this just because they want you to be happy. BUT being with another shitty guy instead of waiting for a good one is just as bad!!!!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Blue Eyes of Texas on August 6, 2008 at 10:32pm: i believe that to be very true b/c i see that in myself also.....my thing is i turn into a mjor bitch to push them away so i dont get hurt..ive started realizing that so im trying to change but what can i say the easy things in life dont take time its the hard things that do. your family and friends just love you and want you to be happy but if they have never been where you are they can't ever understand...my friends are forever trying to hook me up too and my family...and when i say "you guys dont understand what it is like for me being single mom to date" they dont get it b/c they're all married to the father of there chldren. when you have kids they are the main priority and im sorry to say this and i may be wrong but this is how i feel i live my life for my daughter no mater what that i smy role as her mother im all she has so when she is grown and moved out i can have MY LIFE until then we have OUR life.....ive come to realize that TRUE LOVE will find me and im not looking for it..until it finds me im enjoying every moment of my life with my beautiful daughter and felling grateful for every moment i have....all the cheating and lying and abuse i know all to well i say FUCK EM'....... im over living my life for everyone else just be you everyday...your greatnes will shine and you will find the one maybe not tommorow maybe not next yr but when you least expect it thats when it will happen...i find myself saying what if alot..i need to stop...you cant change the past, but you are in controll of your future......good luck..your not alone.....; ▶ Reply to This